You must be whole on your own to be in a complete relationship

I would like to address a myth of the modern world that I feel is prevalent. With fairy tales and romantic comedies there is this assumption that once you are in a committed relationship you will never be alone. Yet in today’s world of business travel, long work hours and transfers to other places for work it is rare that a couple be together all the time. Those who attempt to be in a relationship in order to fill a need that they are not able to fill independently of their partner have a great chance to set themselves up for disappointment.

It is interesting to think about military families in history. Men would go to war sometimes four or more years without seeing their family. There are the modern warriors, not just the military but the business warriors that are away from their families on the road around the globe getting the deal done.

Entertainers, athletes, and others are constantly on the move on tour or promoting their work and their partners need to be strong and complete on their own. This allows a person to be able to enjoy the time they have with the one they love instead of feeling they must be punished in some way for not being present to fulfill the needs of the other.

In order to live a fulfilling and satisfying life one must have a parallel path to the one they love. There are great times when the paths intertwine and are in harmony. Yet, inevitably there will be times when paths become parallel but separate for any number of reasons. That’s why the key to happiness inevitably comes back to self.

Before a person can become a part of a strong relationship, they must first be strong as an individual. They must have an independent sense of place, of self, be able to provide for themselves should that become necessary. This ability changes the dynamic of a relationship from needing to be together, to wanting to be together. Something that often adds the spark and confidence people crave from the dating phase of a relationship. That is a very powerful distinction.

Relationships are a lot like running a three-legged race. The person not only needs to be capable of running quickly on their own, they must also be able to run tied to another which involves communication and team work. When both partners know they can count on the other to hold up their end of the team and keep moving forward together the more successful the couple will be in staying together throughout the journey of life.

Extended family is important to living a fulfilling life.

In the past century a new phenomenon in Western Culture was to move for employment purposes. The focus was no longer on extended families but the nuclear family being primarily comprised of parents and their children.

Before this happened being human was more of a tribal experience. There were aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, and siblings all near by to spread out the chores, the expenses, to share the joys and ease the burdens. People of like mind, when it worked well they were positive and supportive of family members’ endeavors. They were a source of advice and were there, which could lend to feelings of safety and comfort.

I am lucky. I have a pretty cool family. However, I know that not everyone does. The thing is, everyone needs support and with the way the economy is going and the uncertain future it seems even more important to create a support community around each individual.

Having a support system of people is an important part of having a fulfilling life. To feel the love and support of others emotionally, for advice, and even for other kinds of help during times of trouble. We need community. We need our people.

Now for those who have more of a challenge with their blood family. If they are somehow toxic, abusive, or generally not supportive if they hurt more than help or feel energizing to be with it is possible that the solution is to create a surrogate family.

A surrogate family are people who do support you. Who encourage you and have your best interest at heart. These are people you can share holidays and special times with and feel comfortable to be your authentic self. People who are loving and giving in positive ways. Sometimes friends can be even closer than family. The important part is creating a loving net of people who care to recharge you with positive thoughts and with whom you can live a happy and healthy lifestyle.

Where can I find these people? You may ask. Usually you find them doing the things you do naturally. Look for people with common hobbies, interests and view points. You may also have friends with opposing view points, and that’s ok, as long as the time spent with them is mostly harmonious and not combative and stressful. Find people you work well with when putting together a meal or doing a project together. The kind of people you wouldn’t mind being stuck on a deserted island with. The kind of people you know will have your back and be there to pick you up after a bad day.

Having a sense of belonging and community is something I feel we are sorely lacking in the modern age. We can still be tech savvy and modern while still being able to enjoy the old fashioned tradition of family whether they are related by blood or not the important part is to be connected with love, connected by the heart.

A is for Authentic

Hello everyone. I am taking part in an A-Z blog happening with a writer’s group of mine as such I will be creating a blog for each letter in the alphabet. This is the A blog and it stands for Authentic.

Growing up like many children of the 1970’s we watched Sesame Street and they told us to Be Yourself. However the actual truth of the matter is that most people do not want us to be ourselves. Especially if what we are makes them uncomfortable.

Now that I am approaching forty, a very liberating time of life for a woman I might add. I am finally beginning to understand and live my authentic self. To find out if you are living an authentic life it all comes down to motivation. What motivates you? What gets you going? Don’t be so quick to answer you are your motivator because many times it is not true.

This became evident to me the other night when I was talking with my five year old daughter. She loves to fix hair and I often find the remnants of her hair cutting exploits on the floor. The other night she asked me if she could cut my hair. Me, being a fairly self proclaimed free thinker immediately went into a thought script about “What will people think of my hair? What if she messes it up?” and on and on. I had to stop myself and think for a moment “How did I get so wrapped up in my hair?” And believe me I am far from the girls of glamor that spend hours and hundreds of dollars on my hair.

In the end I let her cut my hair. Just for the mere fact of experiencing the Freedom of being myself. That is what in that moment I authentically wanted to do was to allow my daughter the experience of cutting my hair. I have a lot of it and it didn’t turn out bad which is a bonus. It was freeing to authentically be motivated in my life journey. Not conforming into the expression that has been set for me by some unknown “They”. I highly recommend doing one totally free thing today. Something authentically and uniquely you.

A is for Authentic.